Sushi (sushimustwrite) wrote,

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Or, Why I have no friends here

Warning: Rambling, incoherent, somewhat emotional rant follows, and I probably won't feel this way in two days. Deal with it.

It just occurred to me that I don't have any friend at Agnes.

I guess I've always been like that. I can make acquaintances easily, but making friends is more difficult than I ever thought. I mean, everyone is an acquaintance. I can talk to anyone...well, sort of. The thing is, I think before I speak. Then after I think, I speak. I guess I'm like that kid in Sideways Stories from Wayside School who always spoke when he wasn't called on.

But anyway, I don't have any friends here. I mean, how many people come in and ask for me? I can tell you. Nobody. Sure, people come and sit with me at meals, but is it because they're really friends with me or because they really want to sit with me? Eventually we're joined by some of their friends or some of my acquaintances and then I'm either completely left out of the conversation or completely immersed...until those involved in the conversation leave.

And while we're on this topic, how many people invite me out on weekends? Do they just assume that I just sit in my room and study? (Which I actually [gasp] do on occasion, but mostly I take a break and use it for forums and such) If someone can't invite you out on weekends, then what kind of friend is she, anyway?

I've been thinking about this since the end of Nanowrimo, since I've been attempting to rejoin the non-noveling universe. I noticed that I've been sitting alone even more than usual since the end of Nanowrimo, but why? Is it because I'm that detestable? Or is it because of my own fear of making friends because that would mean confiding in them?

Then tonight I cracked. I was working on my anthropology paper, and C mentioned that her roommmate was completely inept at socialising. I reminded her that I was also completely inept too. "Well, at least you don't pretend to socialise," C said.

"Actually, you are inept," Roommate said. "You really hurt K tonight."

I thought back to dinner, where K looked shocked at something I had said. Roommate and S had asked K to get them drinks while K was getting a cookie before she left. "Don't go!" I said, intending "Don't leave us!" As we all know so well, the English language is the most slippery language ever. Apparently she took it as "Don't go get a cookie!"

This is what Roommate was referring to tonight. "You really hurt her feelings," she said. Then she went on to tell me about K, and why that hurt. I told Roommate what I intended, and how the English language is so slippery. "She's really sensitive," Roommate finally finshed.

Gee, I always knew I was socially inept, but to have someone rub it in (especially someone who claims to be a friend) is just low. Honest, but low.
Tags: agnesfall2005, conversations, friends, thoughts
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