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There's a fine, fine line

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend

It's amazing how some things can make me choke up now. I was doing laundry last night, thinking that nobody would be down there doing laundry. I was almost right. I started singing aloud as I threw clothes into the washer, each throw representing an arrow at my heart. And suddenly I started to sing "There's a Fine, Fine Line" from Avenue Q. I'm still wondering where that line is, and where that line was crossed.

There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend

What was my reality over the past few weeks? And what was my pretend? I knew that my reality was the world that I was living in, and I knew things were changing, and I wanted to do something about it. I just didn't know whether I was exaggerating things in my mind or not. Now I see that my reality was my pretend, and I really should have said something earlier. But I didn't.

And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

I don't think we as humans ever reach the top, though. There is always more to be done to maintain that love. We can find out if that love didn't work out, but you can keep loving for a very, very long time and suddenly find out one day that person doesn't love you back. It's sort of like an always increasing function--ln(x), if you will, since it increases more and more slowly as x -> infinity.

There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time.

I'm one of the lucky ones, I guess. Normally I'm the one who has to end things. Considering you can count the number of relationships I've had on one hand, that isn't really saying much. I've never really had to go through heartbreak before; I was the one breaking hearts. Well, except for last time, but to be fair, that was a falling out between friends as well. Until now.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie

Perhaps my life over the past few months was a fairy tale. After all, I was happy, I was loved and in love, and I was completely unaware of the possibility of this. But was it a lie? Is he that good at deception? I loved fairy tales when I was a kid, but I remembered one lesson at the end of all of them: the main character had to go through everything before finding a happy ending.

And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."

I was teetering on the two sides of this line over the past few weeks, trying to decide which side of this line I was on. Unfortunately I teetered a little too long, and I didn't get to make the decision myself.

I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime

Those last few weeks were sort of like chasing a high school crush. If he didn't like you back, you may be unhappy for a bit, but you usually get over it. But when someone does love you back, or you think they do, the decision does become much harder. How do you know what to say, and when? That's what I was trying to decide.

But there's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of your time.

This is where I nearly started to break down. I had a chance to say something, but I didn't take it. It was the perfect chance, too. I had this line set as my MSN display name early last week (it is again, in fact), and he asked about it. I didn't have the right words to say something and not sound extremely harsh about it, so I didn't say anything. I should have, no matter how mean it sounded. Whose time was being wasted, though? Mine? His? Now neither of ours.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.

I'm like a walnut or an eggplant: I have a hard exterior but a soft interior, and very few people bother to crack the exterior to see the interior. He was one of those people who bothered. If I spend time drowning in sorrow, I won't have time to do other things--like take over the world. I've always wanted to do that. I do want to take advantage of this heartbreak to pump out some good writing, though, as I do quite a bit of that when I'm down.

I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.

Did he know what he was looking for? Did I know what I was looking for? Or were we both wandering aimlessly, hoping something would happen? I plan meticulously (almost ridiculously so at times), yet I can also be spontaneous to an extent that is ridiculous. It depends on my mood. What did we want? I still can't answer that question. I don't think I'll be able to for a long time, until I'm sounder of mind.

For my own sanity, I've got to close the door and walk away... Oh...

I can't let myself look for that glimmer of hope in vain, that glimmer of hope that maybe, one day. No. I have to close the door on that.

There's a fine, fine line between together and not

This was the line I was really hovering over the past few weeks. Should I do it? Shouldn't I? Why would I be doing it? What sort of reaction would I get? But I waited, and I didn't get to do it myself. Do I regret this? No. I get to experience heartbreak, something my characters have to experience at some point as well. And experience is always a good thing.

And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.

I'm not sure I even know what I wanted, except someone who shared my passions, didn't snub what I love, and doesn't follow the mainstream herd of sheep. Another nerd, basically. I wanted a relationship that involved mutual geeky passion. And what did I get? Exactly that... until the end. That was where the line was crossed, the one that for many relationships, must be crossed eventually.

You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

And this is what I'm doing right now while soaking in my new freedom. I'm going after everything I want; I'm going to get to know myself better, get to know my friends better, achieve everything I've ever wanted--and more. No, this relationship wasn't stopping me from doing this (if it were, I would have ended things a lot sooner), but there's something about not being in a romantic relationship that I find oddly satisfying. Who knows? Maybe I'll take over the world before breakfast after all, and by the end of the day I'll have established a stable civilization, and everyone will be minions to me. Yes, even him. Yes, even you.

There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 19th, 2007 12:40 am (UTC)
A lot of truth in this song, I think. And yes--if it's not fun for you anymore, sometimes, it is time to move on. All I know to say is at least you realized it!
Feb. 19th, 2007 12:58 am (UTC)
To this, I want to say a couple of things;

Well, except for last time, but to be fair, that was a falling out between friends as well. Until now.

Anything. Anything but this. I wanted to avoid this single response from you. Anything but this. I hate hearing that you think this a falling out as friends, and that by implication that you don't count me a friend anymore.

Whose time was being wasted, though? Mine? His?

Why would you even consider saying something is a waste of time? I will never, ever forget you. Maybe it was what I needed at the time. I don't know. I've yet to finish any sort of complete "thought" on the entire situation.

Is there something I can say without bringing any sort of trouble? (More of a rhetorical comment). I know there isn't, at least not now.

Take care.
Feb. 19th, 2007 06:37 pm (UTC)
You remind me that no matter how well I write this out, there's always room to improve it. With that:

I hate hearing that you think this a falling out as friends, and that by implication that you don't count me a friend anymore.

Read that paragraph again. Last time != now. Last time was a time way before now, years ago, with someone else entirely. I don't think of this as a falling out between friends. Only time will tell what happens.

Why would you even consider saying something is a waste of time?

I didn't call the entire thing a waste of time. I mean those last few weeks, where both of us were apparently on different sides of the line. I didn't want to waste time clinging to false hope, like chasing after someone who clearly doesn't feel the same way. That's why I referred to it as wasting time. Yet I waited too long before saying anything; otherwise you would have gotten quite the harsh earful.

You take care, too.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )