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Why Not Marry, Part One

This is an entry from my old Diaryland account, originally dated 15 May 2005. It's still pretty accurate.

Here's a question that I've been meaning to answer for quite awhile but never have. Then it popped up again recently. Here goes.

Why not marry?

I could give the simple answer--that I just don't want to marry. There's a bit of truth in that, but the answer is a little more complex. I could also go through years of Dr. Nbooks and dig for an answer, but that would take a few weeks.

A good place to start here would be my past love live. I'm eighteen years old and have dated two guys. The end came for different reasons, but one stands out. He accused me of not taking it seriously enough (ironically, at the same time that I accused him of being a commitment-phobe). He and I had very different priorities. One of mine was acquiring knowledge, and he just didn't understand that, so we went our separate ways.

The moral of the story? I'm a committed person, but I really have to love that thing. Although I love guys, I simply can't find it in me to commit to one (even for dating), even though I definitely don't want to do that now anyway. I suppose I'm a bit of a free spirit, which also explains why I write books in a month and never edit them later. (This might have to do more with the lack of quality in the books, though...)

Speaking of books, someone once said that a part of the writer can be found in every character. Now let's apply the important parts of that to my love life or lack thereof.

a) In my 2002 Nanowrimo novel, the main character (an overly successful perfectionistic high school student... sounds familiar, doesn't it?) falls in love with the owner of a coffee shop after her nervous breakdown. Up to this point, she has never had friends, even though one guy who has been her friend in the distant past is in love with her. The girl is obvlivious to the shop owner's returned love until her new writer friend points it out. After the coffee shop burns down, a fisherman offers coffee shop owner a job on his television show. Main character and (former) coffee shop owner live happily ever after...sort of.

What do we get out of this? I guess you could see me in the main character and in the writer friend. [I'll do another feature on the writer friend later because she's my main muse. Her name is Nat.] If you see me as the main character, you see a character who resembles me in so many ways that it's almost scary. (Actually, if you fuse her and Nat into one person, you get a fairly accurate description of me.) You also see a character who is being pursued by another person but who is rejecting the person's affections. During the dance early in the book, Brad (the MC's former friend) asks the MC to dance. MC does and excuses herself halfway through the song. Notice how she breaks away before she can relax and enjoy the song. MC is a commitment-phobe, like me, to the point of overextending herself until her nervous breakdown.

Now, on to the new love. This doesn't develop until after the coffee shop burns down. MC loses something (but no one, unless her former self counts) valuable to her. However, before acknowledging this love, she also needs someone to point out that the coffee shop owner is available. That way there is no risk involved in loving an unavailable person. This is where Nat comes in. I'm not a big risk taker; I won't ask someone out or confess a crush. In fact, this is where much of my trouble begins, especially because he never (never!) has liked me back. More on that later, though. We have two more books to analyse.

b) During Nanowrimo 2003, the main plot was a murder spree. There's not much in here about love as the main character is a murderer. However, her friend Trixie's crush on the class valedictorian and star athlete [checks novel again... yes, cross-country and track] stands out. Trixie is graduating early, and her class schedule shows that she is cramming the classes of two years into one year. Note that Trixie falls for a successful person. This valedictorian is talented in virtually all areas except possibly music, but I didn't have time to explore that as he doesn't show up again for the rest of the novel. Yes, note the talent. He's smart, he's athletic, and he's also social. Is this the kind of guy that I want--the "too perfect" type? Is it simply that this guy is so hard to find? Hmm?

c) I wrote my satire on southern culture in Nanowrimo 2004. Notice the genre hop? In this novel, however, the main character is the valedictorian, and the salutatorian falls for her. The problem is that she is slightly too busy for him. After all, she has a summer job and a plan to leave the tiny town as soon as possible. She doesn't want love--she wants her own life.

We can also add my own eccentricity (not the mathematical definition) to that list. I'm socially inept. Now that I've confessed, we can get on to important things, such as what makes me socially inept. My loves make me eccentric. Writing, languages, maths, overanalysis, good books, classical music, ... Find a guy for me who shares, oh, four of these traits. Just four. Even then we wouldn't agree. We'd probably argue whether Newton or Leibniz really discovered calculus, whether French or Spanish is easier, or whether the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything really is 42. I'm not asking for someone to agree with me; I'm asking for someone as eccentric as I, something I have been unsuccessful in finding in all these years.

So in case you didn't want to wade through all these paragraphs, here's (the short version of) why I don't want to marry:

-fear of commitment
-fear of rejection
-finding Mr. Perfect
-wanting my own plans
-my own eccentricity

I have a feeling a Partie Deux will be coming soon...


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 22nd, 2006 01:34 am (UTC)
I admire your independence, but you never know; the right guy might come along. You have plenty of time to figure it out, though, so you're right to let your main focus be on other things. Although I sometimes need advice in this area myself. I have dated, and even loved before, but at 25 going on 26, I still do not feel ready to marry. I don't know exactley why this is. Maybe I have growing left to do, or I'm a perfectionist and feel like I cannot settle down unless the relationship is "perfect." Or maybe I have either not found the right person, or I have not found someone who is yet ready. I'm sure there are a lot of things; it's a complicated issue. Although I have noticed that people are getting married later now, and maybe that is a good thing. You can figure yourself out a bit more first. It's lonely at times, but it invites creative energy.
Jan. 22nd, 2006 07:10 pm (UTC)
Re: Marriage
It does invite creative energy. I actually wrote this entry in May when I realized that I was actually growing up [a few weeks before graduation]. I just couldn't stand the idea of settling down and having a family, that I would rather be independent forever. I still can't, but who knows what can happen?
Jan. 22nd, 2006 06:35 am (UTC)
Has Shea been taking about marriage/men again?


Marriage.... ha!

Sorry...... In a sucky mood. As always.

Jan. 22nd, 2006 07:11 pm (UTC)
She's at home this weekend, actually. I wrote this before I met her and felt like posting it.

But why the sucky mood?
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )