March 1st, 2006

writing: in blood

Glum and blah

Today was a glum and blah day, despite the wonderful weather. It was a normal Wednesday: algebra, multivariable, French. That wasn't what made the day glum and blah. [Okay, getting a multivariable test did contribute to the blah part, but not by much.]

Everything in between did. I wrote the first draft of a paper due at an hour. I turned it in at five and went to dinner at five as usual. Then I sat at a full table of people. People with whom I normally sit, yes, but people.

That's when I realized it.

I have the same problem now that I've always had. I'm trapped between groups of friends. It's not a black-and-white "good-friend/bad-friend" situation, like many people make it out to be. I know everyone, yet I know no one. Tonight I sat in the middle of these groups, and I was in the middle of two different conversations. I tried to take part in both conversations, not as an attempt to feel "involved", but to make myself happy and to feel like I was "socialising". It didn't work. Eventually I fell out of both conversations. I left dinner early out of frustration; nobody noticed.

Have you ever heard the story about two people losing an object, and each person assumes that the other person has it? That's how I've always been. I've always been the lost object. When people go out with friends, nobody even bothers to ask me if I can go. I don't fancy going out to some big party because I prefer to remember the next morning, but sometimes--just sometimes--I would like to be invited out, just to show that someone does care about my existence and that I'm not always the odd one out.

You see, people know I exist. Even if they don't like to admit it, they know I do, even if I'm some life form who sits with them at a table uninvited. I just wish I could make friends the way most people did.

I remember Orientation Weekend at Agnes. My parents insisted on tagging along the entire time, while I wanted to get away from them and actually make friends while the social slate was somewhat clean. Even then, I saw the groups forming. Years of experience have taught me to watch for clues of group formation.

After a semester here, I've confirmed a big fear of mine. I'm odd. Not odd as in the number, but odd as in the pairing of people. Even friends pair off in twos or threes or ns. However they pair, there's always a remainder one, and I'm that remainder. How will this remainder manifest itself?


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