November 18th, 2006

writing: it never killed anyone

There, that feels a lot better. (warning: emo post)

Over the last couple of weeks I've had what I thought were symptoms of stress: the headache of doom that for some reason started during French and went away during DEs and started againd during women's studies, demotivation (all I've wanted to do were writing and math), loneliness, and yet another realization of what I had known my entire life.

Anyway, this morning I woke up feeling rather concave down. Then I realized I was feeling concave down instead of just down and I cracked up. I got ready for the day, dicked around for awhile, and went to breakfast. I sat down with Charlotte and Shauna and Sandra, and eventually Emily and Stephanie and her boyfriend1 joined us. Stephanie asked how I was doing, and I replied that I was feeling concave down. She asked what I meant, and I gave her the mathematical definition. Then I explained how it related to my mood. Then she asked me why I felt concave down.

I started to explain: my lack of motivation lately to do anything besides math and writing, my lack of social skills, my breadth but not depth in friendships--the reason I have no super-close friends yet so many casual friends. Even the strongest supporters need their own support system, yes? And for one of the first times since I came to Agnes, I laid myself bare for the world to see, vulnerabilities and all. It's not often that we show those, is it? Weaknesses, yes. Vulnerabilities, not so much.

And as I explained this to her, I received advice. I received hugs. And I realized that I hadn't been hugged or touched as a friend in a really long time. Have I really held myself that far away from the world, so far away that people are afraid to approach? A few minutes later, tears began to fall. Tears that I had wanted to cry for so long but had resisted because of lack of time, because of the inability to let the tears flow, because of my innate desire to put on a happy face to the world.

But finally I did it, and in public too. Every now and then I can feel another tear trying to fall. I should just let all of them fall and be done with it. Hey, it's better than cutting, right? As long as I can reach that inflection point soon, I'll be good.

1I've always thought the word "boyfriend" sounded funny in general. Of course, I'm not using it to talk about my own, so I guess I'm in the right to use it in this context, oui?