February 1st, 2008


LJ Idol Week Twelve: My Most Annoying Personality Trait, or My Cocoon

I enter the dining hall and recognize some bags--a brown shoulder bag, a black shoulder bag, a blue backpack. I set my bag and purse down next to theirs and dig through my purse for my ID. As I unearth it from my purse, a familiar face arrives at the table and sits at the seat with the black shoulder bag. "Hi Sujin," she says. "How are you?"

How am I?

I'm taking three math classes and a physics class this term.

I'm working in the math center and getting my own work done there when no one shows up.

I'm spending so much time working on the math that I have almost no time to work on anything else. I have no time for writing in Dr. Nbook or in LJ or in my original fiction, those things that keep me from going nuts.

I have no time to apply for summer programs or the theme house or run the magazine or any number of things that are really important to me but I have virtually no time for and can't step down from because of trying to make it from day to day and from math to math.

I'm spending less and less time with friends because of my crazy schedule. When I do see them, they're talking about other issues of importance to them, but not to me. When I do try to include myself, I'm almost immediately othered. I am the other.

And then there's the lover, the I-don't-even-know-what-we-are, my source of comfort right now, the person I don't want to ditch because who else would I tell about all this?

She waits for a response.

"I'm fine," I reply.

Damnit, I think to myself.

My most annoying personality trait? It's quite simple: I brush people off when I crave human contact more than anything. I've lived in my own little cocoon my entire life, and now that I want to come out of it, I don't know where to go.

Written for therealljidol. Tidbit: I wrote this in ten minutes while working on a group project at the same time. Voting will be up soon.