March 29th, 2008

mice with clipboards

How to gain e-fame with Facebook applications

Congratulations! You've decided to win friends and influence people with Facebook applications. Welcome. First, you'll need a Facebook account. Got one? Logged in? Good. Follow me.

Start making friends. Friends from school, friends from work, random people you don't even know. Don't worry; if they're desperate enough for friends they'll probably add you. Once you've gotten a few friends, you might want to thank them for adding you and boosting your Internet fame. Why not use a Facebook application for that? Sure, you'll probably have to invite them to use the app as well, but that's a small price for Facebook friends, right? While you're at it, why not welcome them to your profile, tell them good morning, or send them a free smile? Surely it must be harder to type a colon followed by a close parenthesis or a *grin* on a friend's wall message than to install an application onto your profile, send a message to a friend, and attach a smile. But after you send them a free smile, you can always wish your school-going friends good luck on their exams. Nothing like a virtual A+, right?

Your friends feel welcome now. Awesome. They should probably know something more about you than, "Well, I'm really boring," right? After all, they can read your profile and find out what music you like, your favorite books, and all about you, but shouldn't there be a little more? How about what type of marijuana you are? Your name in binary? If you want something a little less superficial, declare to the world whether a single quiz thinks your significant other is cheating on you, or how fat you really are, no matter your actual body frame. If you're really in the mood, let an application decide whether you're a penis or a vagina. Not you HAVE, you ARE. Thank you, Facebook. While we're on that topic, I can act like a bit of both.

Now it's time to keep your friends around. Of course, there are applications around to engage them, too. Keep your friends updated on your underwear status. Foreign Poke your friends in the language of your choice. If that's just not good enough, set them on fire or just kill them. Don't worry; they'll just come back as zombies or pirates or ninjas or werewolves anyway.

After your friends have come back as zombies or pirates or whatnot, then you can play beer pong, tell your friends you want to have sex with them, and even have sex, now with free condoms that may or may not be a scam. Be careful about that condom, though, because you might wind up making a baby.

Whew. Now that adventure's over. But wait! It's time to go home. Thanks to beer pong and those other events last night you're too hungover to drive, but thankfully there's Carpool to arrange a ride for you. If you weren't so hungover, this wouldn't be such a bad idea. You still have control of bodily functions, at least, so you won't have to fling poo at the driver if they go the wrong way. That's always a good sign. Just make sure not to fart too loudly in the car either while you're at it. You already smell like alcohol; no need to add to the smell.

So you go home and crash, and eventually--eventually!--you're sober again. You've learned your lesson this time, especially after that condom broke. (Never trust those scammers. Didn't I tell you?) It's time to rebuild your life. Have your own mini-home right on your profile! Show it off to your friends! Once they're convinced that you've cleaned up your act, you can run for e-President and become a gazillionaire because of course you'll win. Or so you tell yourself. And then you'll be the next Internet sensation.

And if you don't? Oh well. There's always the vibrating hamster to comfort you. Besides, you just weren't e-famous enough, and you can blame your friends for that. Just add them to your EnemyBook and flip them off next time they're around. And now that you've installed all these applications in your quest for e-fame, try Clean Profile so you and your friends won't have to look at them and marvel at the fact that you had to install an application just to avoid looking at them in the first place. They'll still be there on your next quest for e-fame.

If you're really going for e-fame, though, try not to put your relationships on the open radar. It's the perfect bait when they're going for the kill.