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I have issues with doing nothing. By doing nothing, I mean sitting or lying somewhere, away from all distractions, and shutting down my brain. If you've known me for awhile, you know this.

Why, then, does that sound so appealing right now? Why does abandoning everything and becoming a starving artist nomad, limited to libraries and leeching off next-door neighbors and coffee shops for Internet access sound like the next logical step? Why does taking the easy way out sound like a very good idea, just two weeks into the semester?

Someone asked me last night why I was a math major and not a creative writing major, given my devotion to writing. Funnily enough, she's the first person to ask me that since my conversion to the math side. While I do call it a conversion to others, I never do so to myself because it was never a complete one. I haven't turned my back from the scriptory ways, for one.

But sometimes I feel like I have, given how little I've actually been writing lately. Dr. Nbook lies alone, its pages flipped through only occasionally. My original fiction lies untouched, even though there's one story I've been planning to edit for at least two years. Only these pages remain alive and well, and I'm not quite sure about the second part.

I think I may have taken on too much this time. I spent last weekend as the social butterfly that I never was before. Will there be time for that again in the next four months or year, flittering about, doing as I please, not a worry in the world? That's what I crave, this carefreeness (carefreedom?).

I know what I want. I want to spread the love. But I also want to write.

Spread the love. Write. Spread the love. Write.

But somewhere in the back of my mind, a little voice is telling me in the form of a lolcat that I am inadequate--for math or writing. What if I go to grad school and wind up failing out because I am, in fact, inadequate? What if I do take my writing to the next level and find out that I've been deluding myself that I was any good at writing in the first place?

Most importantly: What if I wind up living my biggest fear--being normal, being average, being 'just another person living day to day with no passion'? Without passion, there is nothing.

(Incidentally, the wristband for the watch I've worn for over five years broke while I was writing this entry. When I got the battery replaced this summer, the person replacing it asked if I wanted to replace the wristband. I told her no because I was rather fond of it. Now I have an excuse to. Everyone has to let go sometime.)

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
circlifly
Sep. 9th, 2007 05:14 am (UTC)
I'm sure you've heard it a million times, but you never know until you try. I was so incredibly scared coming to Purdue; I was even scared to apply. Hell, I'm still scared that I'll fail out.

But what's the alternative? Sitting there with your writing, wondering what would have happened if you had taken it to the next level? Graduating college and wondering if grad school would have been right for you?

Even if the truth is painful sometimes, I think it's even more painful to sit and wonder. It's scary, sure; I still wonder from day to day whether I belong here or if I'm going to fail out. But I still wake up in the morning, slog through my work, trek to campus, teach my classes, sit in classes, and do office hours - because if I didn't, I wouldn't be following my passion.
satellitewish
Sep. 9th, 2007 06:55 am (UTC)
You'd be surprised how very quickly I've become isolated and depressed from sitting around and doing nothing. Took me about 3 weeks to go from dying for a break to dying for something to do.
_stadtkind_
Sep. 9th, 2007 01:56 pm (UTC)
i found a LOLcat the other day that completely and totally changed the lens through which i saw my day. and now i can't freaking find it. :-/

dawgfan527
Sep. 9th, 2007 06:58 pm (UTC)
I don't think you have to worry about being normal or average. I can relate to what you're saying though. There are times when I'd love to just be a travelling poet....but hopefully, you'll learn how to use your artistic talents to the benefit of society, find a balance if you will. :)
moonglade_swan
Sep. 10th, 2007 02:24 am (UTC)
As the poster child for inadequacy, I can say with authority that you are most definitely not inadequate. You are very unlikely to end up normal. (That could be taken the wrong way, couldn't it?) That's not to say that you'll be successful at every single thing you try, because without the occasional failure success doesn't mean all that much.

*hugs*
crookedfingers
Sep. 10th, 2007 02:51 am (UTC)
passionate
you will always be passionate and while doing nothing you will be doing something either doing math, writing or being a lover-just be what you are this moment and do not worry about the next
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )