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I enter the dining hall and recognize some bags--a brown shoulder bag, a black shoulder bag, a blue backpack. I set my bag and purse down next to theirs and dig through my purse for my ID. As I unearth it from my purse, a familiar face arrives at the table and sits at the seat with the black shoulder bag. "Hi Sujin," she says. "How are you?"

How am I?

I'm taking three math classes and a physics class this term.

I'm working in the math center and getting my own work done there when no one shows up.

I'm spending so much time working on the math that I have almost no time to work on anything else. I have no time for writing in Dr. Nbook or in LJ or in my original fiction, those things that keep me from going nuts.

I have no time to apply for summer programs or the theme house or run the magazine or any number of things that are really important to me but I have virtually no time for and can't step down from because of trying to make it from day to day and from math to math.

I'm spending less and less time with friends because of my crazy schedule. When I do see them, they're talking about other issues of importance to them, but not to me. When I do try to include myself, I'm almost immediately othered. I am the other.

And then there's the lover, the I-don't-even-know-what-we-are, my source of comfort right now, the person I don't want to ditch because who else would I tell about all this?

She waits for a response.

"I'm fine," I reply.

Damnit, I think to myself.

My most annoying personality trait? It's quite simple: I brush people off when I crave human contact more than anything. I've lived in my own little cocoon my entire life, and now that I want to come out of it, I don't know where to go.

**
Written for therealljidol. Tidbit: I wrote this in ten minutes while working on a group project at the same time. Voting will be up soon.

Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
twystedpixie
Feb. 1st, 2008 05:07 pm (UTC)
I understand. I was once told that my entire world could crumble around me and be rebuilt without most of my loved ones realizing it, because I tend to withdraw and grow insular when it comes to handling my problems.
puppetmaker40
Feb. 1st, 2008 07:02 pm (UTC)
Wow. That is short and powerful all at the same time.

I have a group of friends that the rule is if someone asks you how you are, you tell them in detail if necessary. Kind of freeing.
kittenboo
Feb. 2nd, 2008 01:26 am (UTC)
great use of an example to make your point. well written and understandable :)
gnomeangel
Feb. 2nd, 2008 02:10 am (UTC)
public service announcement:

your entry was in the lowest half of the votes last week. sucks doesn't it. i bet you worked real hard on what you put out there. i bet you wished more people read it. bet you wished even more people voted for it.

think there's nothing you can do about it. think again. there's a community to help you make it through the hard weeks. a community to help you get your votes up - to give you a fighting chance.

so why don't you wander on over and check it out.... join here.

you know you want to....
sideshowbennie
Feb. 2nd, 2008 05:45 pm (UTC)
So I have to ask. Of all the people in this game, why me??
sushimustwrite
Feb. 2nd, 2008 10:04 pm (UTC)
My method of madness
It was a method of mathematics and randomness. I numbered everyone based on last week's votes and used random.org to choose a number. Yours came up. It could just as easily have been anyone else in the game (it is just a game on the Internet, after all!), but you were the one who came up, and therefore I chose to challenge you. That's all.
sideshowbennie
Feb. 3rd, 2008 08:00 am (UTC)
Re: My method of madness
Hey, no worries. I was just curious as to the method or reason. That's all...
lacombe
Feb. 3rd, 2008 01:07 am (UTC)
I'm sorry about this week, sushi. :-(
elva_undine
Feb. 3rd, 2008 03:08 am (UTC)
Oh, I hope you find a way to let it out!
n_decisive
Feb. 4th, 2008 05:50 pm (UTC)
Hmm, I was ready for you to tell me you take on too much. The truth was more concerning to me. :(
sushimustwrite
Feb. 4th, 2008 06:57 pm (UTC)
Actually, that would have been very apt too, now that I think of it, but when I sat down to write this at the very last minute, this came up first.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )