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Take care and fly away and see the world

Call my friends to share some wine
To share some laughs, and last goodbyes
My photographs of these years
Will make me laugh through the tears


I remember the day it happened--a year ago, in fact. I suppose I was expecting it in a way, as I was planning the demise myself. It finally happened, but not strictly of my own accord. Oh, it probably would have hurt just the same if I had delivered the final blow. I wanted to do it myself, in fact--there's something about depersonalizing the pain that makes said pain easier to swallow. After all, why try to fix something when no one else is cooperating?

What are the odds, what are the odds?
This ends and we don't meet again
What are the odds, What are the odds?
That I will miss your smile


Before then, I had never had a clean cut. After all, I still saw Cody at church both times around (back when I still went, clearly), and let's not forget Robert coming to sit with Thomas, James, and me the day after it happened. I was and still am logged onto all my IM services almost constantly, even with an away message, and the temptation to see if he was logged on was nearly contant. I didn't want the "later". I wanted to end it right then. Sever all ties and move right along. So I removed him.

Take awhile! Take awhile! Take care and
Fly away and see the world
Take awhile! Take awhile! Take time and
If you need rest, I'll keep your nest
Changeless


Despite this, I found myself emo-ing over the next few days about this. I thought I had found someone I could stick with...for more than four months at a time, anyway, as that was about the maximum threshold for my relationships before. I've never thought of other people needing to take flight, but perhaps they needed to, just as I needed to satisfy my innermost desires.

Let fondness be our souvenir
To keep it warm, we'll keep it near
Otherwise with no heart to recall...
A memory's just a memory after all
I will not leave this pulse alone
Though it may take the long way home
I will not wait until the end
For my applause for you my friend


There were so many good memories, though. There was the math, of course. There were the late-night conversations, the inside jokes, the way we could get on a topic and keep talking for hours, bouncing from topic to topic. I learned what I was missing for so long, in relationships and in myself. I wanted to be free. I wanted it all.

What are the odds, what are the odds?
This ends and we don't meet again
What are the odds, What are the odds?
That I will miss your smile


Strangely enough, I got exactly what I thought would be good for me at the time--the clean cut. Oh, sure, entries would pop up on my friends list every now and then, and comments in communities. Other than that, though, there was no contact. After the few days of my emo state of being, I realized that the emo lifestyle just wasn't for me, and I decided to move on, knowing that I would never forget this person who had shown me so much about the world, especially that like-minded geeks do exist, and being one doesn't make me completely unavailable. The next person, if such a person existed, had to compare.

Take awhile! Take awhile! Take care and
Fly away and see the world
Take awhile! Take awhile! Take time and
If you need rest, I'll keep your nest
Changeless


But in a way, I didn't really want such a person to exist. Not because I'm a sick anti-love creature, but because not having a significant other in my life gives me the chance to recreate myself. Given the opportunity to abandon everything I've ever known for something completely different, I find that I grow in unimaginable ways. I've done it once, and it was the best thing I've ever done. I want to experience that freedom again, but I don't want anything tying me down as I bask in the uninhibited growth.

What are the odds, what are the odds?

The months following that were among my best. Look. Just look at what I did!

* discovered my true passion of spreading the love of math
* went to a math conference
* held a snake
* went on a date
* went to a political rally
* presented at SpARC
* attempted to learn to dance
* did math research
* climbed a fence
* climbed down to the bottom of a waterfall
* wrote a screenplay
* helped write a play AND performed in said play
* made an epsilon greater than shirt
* discovered just how amazing abstract algebra really is
* became a first impression to 40-odd people visiting the US for the first time
* wrote another novel

What are the odds, what are the odds?
This ends and we don't meet again
What are the odds, what are the odds?
This ends and we don't meet again
What are the odds, What are the odds?
That I have missed your smile


This can't be real, I told myself as Andrew and I started talking. Sure enough, we were distracted from NaNoWriMo--the reason we had stumbled across each other--at the very first conversation. Oh, I knew I liked him. I knew it early, way back in October, and Dr. Nbook knew it too, from that Saturday afternoon when I was scribbling away at Java Monkey. And then we got cozy. Next thing I knew, we were up until all hours of the night talking about everything and anything in the world, confessing our love to each other, exchanging phone calls, taking half an hour to say goodnight, and on and on and on.

Take awhile! Take awhile! Take care and
Fly away and see the world
Take awhile! Take awhile! Take time and
If you need rest, I'll keep your nest
Changeless


Finally the real adventure began. I took the route of no return. I bought a plane ticket. Round trip, spring break, to and from New York. Right now I'm standing between two adventures: one that ended long ago, and one that begins two weeks from today. I have no idea what's going to happen, but I can't wait. This is my chance to fly away and see the world. But this time, I don't want my nest to remain changeless.

**
For some reason none of the sites I checked have the complete correct lyrics of the song ("Changeless" by Carbon Leaf, the song that came up when I started thinking about this), so I fixed that.