I have an Onion calendar from 2009. Since it's no longer 2009, I've been using the pages as a notepad when the need to scribble down directions or a phone number or lists arises. I've also been reading the articles and horoscopes as each page gets used. The next page's horoscope:
The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that the derivative of a constant is always zero.
I would definitely read horoscopes if they told me so-called trivial facts like these.